Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The Search for America's Next Top Pussycat Doll Model

It's late. I'm tired. The Mariners game pre-empted last night's episode of The Search for the Next Doll so tonight I pitched a double header. I watched America's Next Top Model and the PCDs back to back. My sight is blurry and my arm is weary from taking notes as if I'd pitched 18 innings. And that's probably the only sports metaphor you'll ever get from me, no matter how many episodes of Sports Night I watch. But I guess Sports Night would never do me any good in that department since its tagline boasts, "It's about sports. The same way Charlie's Angels was about law enforcement."

And speaking of Charlie's Angels, have we all seen the ads for Bravo's Shear Genius? Jaclyn Smith is hosting. Jaclyn Smith, people! Kelly Garrett! One of my lifelong kickass girl cop/P.I. idols! I was gonna watch the show just cuz in my fantasy life I'm a hair stylist (you know, after my other fantasy life in which I'm a personal trainer and gym owner), but now, this. How can I go wrong?

But I digress. Because it's late. And I'm tired. And it's very possible that I've lost a few brain cells watching two CW reality shows in a row. I've certainly lost two hours of my life, but I lost them willingly and when Stu asked me how I could watch The Search for the Next Doll without laughing, to which I replied that I was laughing on the inside, I realized that at least I lost those hours comically as well. And really, is there any other way to lose time you'll just never be able to get back?

On a related note, while Zen was a comedic bomb on Work Out last night, this evening, two girls shined in the comic arena. And since you know I hold the ability to make others laugh as the greatest of all talents, I might have a couple of new favorite girls. Now you know, on ANTM, my heart belongs to Jaslene and on PCDs I'm missing my Sisely who got das boot last week, however this week, it's as if Jody Watley appeared before me, crooning, "I'm looking for a new love, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." And these two girls not only made me laugh, but also won their respective show's challenges. I didn't even realize that twin coincidence until just now. This whole double header theme is working out really nicely (And if it concerns you that I've used "double header" twice, lest you think I actually know sports stuff, I had to check with Stu that it did indeed mean playing two baseball games in one night. It does. So I must actually know sports stuff.)

So without further ado, well, really, no ado needed since you can see to whom I'm referring by the pictures above, the two girls who struck home runs this evening (OMG--more sports!! Can you tell baseball season is upon us? I'm doomed until October...) are Dionne and Melissa S.

Dionne has held a special place in my heart since she referred to herself by her hair dye numbers and talked the judges into comas during auditions. She's said many joyous things that I've mentioned in other posts, but tonight, and this might not translate as well in writing as it did in her unique voice, she scored major points for the following:
Re: Natasha jumping in the pool, "Why the hell you wanna jump in a swimming pool?! We're here for business!"
Re: her chosen super name, "Wholahay may not sound good, but it got your attention."
Re: crying over missing her daughter (which I can understand but you know how I feel about the kid thing), "Shake it off! Shake it off," while wiping away her tears with Benny Medina's Hermes handkerchief.

Melissa S. doesn't have the triple threat, trifecta, hat trick (WTF? I just referred to basketball, horse racing, and hockey in one sentence! Are the planets misaligned or something? Cut me off. NOW.), but in one swoop, she was nothing but net (Okay, now I just can't stop myself.):
Re: learning choreography on a bus en route to Las Vegas:"Who learns choreography on a moving bus? Will someone please tell me because clearly, I didn't get the memo."

And with that, I am moving on to double deliberations (Because I'm not even going to waste a moment on that RIDICULOUS name change business.)!

Brittany: Oh good lord, get that weave off of that poor girl's head! It doesn't even look like fake hair anymore. Just flaming strands of hay. Announcing her weave issues to Benny Medina was her big misstep, but her photos were fab as usual.

Dionne: Need I say more? Oh, yes, I need. Extra points for not only winning the challenge, but remembering something she learned from Benny Ninja three episodes ago and applying it in her Keds shoot. This type of brain function might be unprecedented in Top Model history.

Jael: Thank god this girl took some excellent photos this week cuz I thought 50 Cent was being pretty generous by only pushing her into the pool and not off the side of the building. I don't even know where to begin but I'll leave Jael with this to ponder: if loving music is all that matters to you in a human being, you might want to set the bar a little higher. Charles Manson loved music too.

Jaslene: Okay, so she finally took a crappy photo, but she's still my girl! She kicked it with 50 Cent and Benny Medina and you know she's going to take everything she learned in panel and use it during every forthcoming shoot.

Natasha: You know, this crazy broad is growing on me. Her shots were fantastic and it's possible that I might not need to knock back a shot of Absolut every time she reads the Tyra Mail.

Renee: She might be growing on me too, and not because Tyra and her Svengali ways forced Renee to have a revelation about the pain in her life, allowing her to apologize for being an enormous beeyatch. She's still an enormous beeyatch, but I gotta give the girl credit for being pretty sincere and genuine about her beeyatchedness. Although she gets absolutely NO CREDIT for thinking that Funky Cold Medina implied a transvestite party. Where on earth did she get that notion from a song written by Young MC and performed by Tone Loc?

Sarah: No shocker in the poser heading home. Now we don't need to hear about her life as a photographer anymore. I shan't miss her at all.

Whitney: Sure, I want Whitney to get the skinny bitches (But not Jaslene! Ironically, the skinniest of them all.), but I just can't get it up for her. And it's not even her plus size that's going to cause her elimination. It's time for her to stop being smart Dartmouth girl. She might need my acupuncturist who told me I think too much.

All right, I'm going to knock these deliberations out of the park in one shot (That might be a mixed sports metaphor. Or just a mixed metaphor. Or just a bad metaphor.). Even though I have new found love for Melissa S., I think Chelsea has a good voice, I loved Mariela's dancing, and I find Anastacia stunning, I don't think any of these girls should be the Next Pussycat Doll. How about them apples?!

Firstly, I still have no idea why on earth there needs to be another Doll, but secondly, while I'm not saying that the actual PCDs are a hotbed of natural talent, they at least look like adults and professionals (professional what, I'm not totally sure, but that's something we can debate at a later time). These girls look like adolescents flailing about at a high school talent show, imitating what they think a PCD performance should look like without having any idea how to make it happen. Actually Asia's just busy imitating Beyonce, Mariah, and Whitney (that's where she gets that fingers-tapping-on the mic thing) and it's not working. So glad that vocal coach called her on her fake singing. Stu and I call it vocal noodling and it is indeed a total cop out. It's what you do when you can't pick a note and stick with it. You just flop and slide around it and hope that someone thinks your vocal chords are just remarkably acrobatic. This is why Jennifer Hudson can kick Beyonce's singing ass any day of the week. And I'm really glad Ron Fair called her on it, in addition to the finger thing. Can you tell Asia's bugging me? Have your cheeseburgers and french fries and get back to the Knicks City Dancers! That's way cooler anyway. But leave the burger and fries. I'm totally PMSing like Asia and my need for meat and salt is insatiable right now. And like Anastacia, I could really use a good dessert.

But seriously--or not seriously cuz Stu already questioned whether or not this show was a comedy--I always talk about how no one who's ever been on Top Model ends up doing anything but catalog work (potentially in a jumper in a crafting magazine, as Ms. Alisa witnessed--see the comments section of this post), but compared to the girls competing to be in the PCDs, the potential Top Models look like they're going to become the next Tyras, Cindys, Giseles, Heidis, and Darias.

But hey, at least, tonight, Mariela learned that she was fearless and Robin actually showed some emotion and teared up when she eliminated the girl with the killer extension. And as usual Tyra got all of her girls to tear up. See how I tied it all together since I watched both shows tonight? Did I mention that it's late? And that I'm tired?

Until next week, you are still in the running towards loosening up those buttons, flinging those pink boas, and becoming America's Next Top Model!

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