Thar She Blows!!!

Timber!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so bizarrely fried from my re-entry into the work world that I can't manage a post tonight, so perhaps more to come over the weekend. But, I will say this--I knew my pixie cut/Liza Minnelli/housecleaning Janet wasn't gonna stick around for too long. Sigh.

And with this episode's being the Janet and Ambreal show, you knew the two of 'em were SUNK.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Until my energy returns, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!

Hey. Make Me Over. Tell Me Do You Like What You See.

Haircuts all around today, as I too happen to have gotten a bit of a makeover in the form of a cute short pixie cut (not that I haven’t had this before, but I had been growing it out of late and decided to go back to the choppers, as I always do) as well as several new items for my wardrobe which now needs to include fancy new work clothes thanks to the fancy new job I just landed! So in the spirit of the beloved Top Model make over episode, as well as my own foray into a new look (i.e. no more Danskos to work!) I’m going to get right to business and deliberate immediately!

Ambreal: Not a dramatic change, but if she can work on more dynamic facial expressions, she could be the silent killer of the cycle.

Bianca: Someone should have shaved that girl’s head ages ago. Screw the wig—I was FLOORED by how stunning she looks with an eighth of an inch of hair. And as painfully trying as Bianca was last week, it seems this week she was humbled by her haircut and was quite the trooper where other girls would have griped endlessly about getting buzzed. Kudos to Bianca for rocking her look and attitude.

Chantal: I know she’s pretty, but bad baby’s breath pic aside, I still don’t see her with any amount of modeling moxie. The straight hair and bangs are nice, but she better get over herself and buck up. If she’s so obsessed with wanting to be a model, you’d think she’d have figured out that she just needed to kick it during the shoot and not whine and cry about too much direction. Suck. It. Up.

Ebony: This girl is killin’ me. Someone please put her out of her misery. I liked her better on the cruise when she was a beeyotch.

Heather: No make over needed. Stunning as is.

Janet: As a redheaded pixie cut girl myself, I was super bummed they changed my pixie cut girl Janet’s color, but she looks divine in the black. And once they compared her to the divine Liza Minnelli, I was sold. In my world, Liza's a religion unto herself. In fact, I am now so moved by the spirits of Liza and Janet, that I’m debating making the change to a soft black myself. And yes, the pic on my Blogger profile is me with dark hair, but it was burgundy and not black and it was brief and I went back to red shortly thereafter. This is, of course, probably what will happen again, shortly after I make my hair dark which will probably happen tomorrow. My hairdressers LOVE me.

Jenah: She’s pretty spectacular and she’s already booking jobs with Parisian photographers… As my friend E. always says, "le sigh."

Lisa: I’m willing to bet there’s absolutely nothing anyone could do to this girl to make her look bad. I might have liked to have seen her with an edgier hairstyle (Tyra was right in wanting to see it straightened), but whatev. She’s gorgeous no matter what.

Saleisha: Like we couldn’t see her spot in the bottom two coming. It was about time she got her comeuppance after so much gloating about the house last week. She looks quite lovely with her new cut (Very Veronica Webb, I think, but that might be because I’m so in love with Veronica right now, thanks to Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. I want everyone in the world to be Veronica. Including me. Saleisha probably has a better shot.), but her picture really did su-uck.

Sarah: Every week I forget Sarah exists. Can’t ever remember anything about her and she never seems to stand out. I like her haircut though and she did take a good photo and win the challenge. But I’ve already forgotten her in the time it took me to type the last sentence.

Victoria: Like we didn’t see this one coming, part deux. The editors spent the whole episode making sure we were well aware that modeling was never Victoria’s dream; that she believes high fashion is ridiculous; and that she’d much prefer to wear sneakers, a t-shirt, and hit the library. Those of us who know our Top Model history, know exactly what all of that means: Striii-iiike!You’re outta there (in the spirit of major league baseball play offs)! Oh well. She was entertaining if not a bit prickly indeed. Although, she exited graciously by proclaiming she would rather go home than take some girl's dream. Although, now that I think about it, this just makes it sound like it was really her choice to go, rather than her admitting her own failure, which is not gracious at all, just smug and passive aggressive. No room in Top Modeling for that. Strike two (of course she's already out, so maybe that's just more of a foul ball)!

Until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model!

And in Top Model alumni news, check this out! Hint: it's crazy Lisa from Cycle 5, of *peed in an adult diaper fame.* Oh, if only I could hear Bre's response to this little video item.
Thanks to K. for the tip!!

Holy Crap! This is Real!

This photo has nothing to do with last night's episode, but speaks to two things: 1. How HOT Jaslene is and 2. How uninspired I was by anyone else last night.

Famous last words from the girl who got the boot, "Holy crap! This is real!" As Kimberly uttered her revelation, I realized I often think the same thing. Sometimes, I can't believe this show is real.

They say that boredom is nothing but a lack of intellectual curiosity. I believe that to be largely true, but on the other hand, sometimes boredom is just a lack of intellect and perhaps that is what caused my complete boredom during last night's Top Model. Stupidity abounds, and well, sometimes, I just can't believe it's real. And sometimes, I just can't take it. Is anyone with me?

It was only episode two and already, I was sick to death of Bianca and her faux uber competitiveness (sorry honey, even without the red hair, I still don't think you'd be high fashion), tired beyond tired of Saleisha's yammering on about her modeling experience (such a shocker that she won the challenge while Bianca ended up in the bottom two again--quelle surprise!), and totally disenchanted with yet another fake fashion show (like I'm so sure that designer put on a real show with only the Top Model contestants on the runway. As IF.).

All I have the energy to say, really, is too bad that Kimberly was sent packing instead of Bianca. I was finally starting to like Kim, although I was concerned about her lofty goal of being a role model for ordinary girls. I feel like she meant well, but...

As for deliberations, I'm not even going to go through model by model, that's how BORED I'm feeling. I agree with the judges that the highlights were Jenah and Heather with the likes of Lisa and Chantal close on their high, rock-climbing heels. I thought Ebony and Bianca were particularly awful while Janet, Victoria, and Sarah kinda hovered in the middle.

All I can say now is AMEN--next week is the makeover episode. Praise the lord and pass the weaves and highlights!

Until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model.

Pretty Girls With Stanky Attitudes

I always go for the cute pixie cut girl, which always makes Stu wonder why the hell I'm constantly pissing and moaning about my growing out my short hair. Doesn't he understand that everything looks better on someone who's in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model???

AWWW YEAH...THE BITCH IS BACK.

Well, no one has actually ever called me a bitch, except maybe this one girl who went to college with my best friend from high school and I ended up making out with a guy she hearted for like years and years (value added: he was engaged to someone else, i.e. not me or the girl who'd pined for him for some eternal amount of time). She's probably over thinking that I'm a beeyotch and I'm long over the fact that when I called him a week after the party he totally dissed me. But whatev. Long ago. The time is now and I am back on the blog, baby!!

Much has happened to me since my little Jaslene took the title of America's Next Top Model. And sure, I should have blogged about my summer love, So You Think You Can Dance, but frankly amidst nine bi-coastal flights, four weddings, and a cross country drive which ended in Stu and I relocating our tired asses from Seattle to Philadelphia so he could take a swanko job at a delightful, small, private college, well, the blogging spirit never quite moved me.

I pondered giving up blogging for good, but after tonight's ANTM premiere, after I saw that someone had named her child Spontanioeuse, that someone had uttered the words "pretty girls with stanky attitudes," and that Ty Ty had turned to a model from Yale and said, "c'mon, you know a lot of these girls are dumb," well, I pondered abandoning blogging no more.

The bitch and the models are BACK.

As always, newness abounds in the premiere, the foremost and most disgustingly obvious being the glaring product placement. Although we have seen much blatant product pushing over the cycles, none were quite so, how shall I put it, FUCKING ENORMOUS as tonight's. We're talking tanker HUGE. We're talking, A FREAKING CRUISE SHIP. Oh, yes the folks at the CW have outdone themselves and put this year's hopeful models on a cruise. Bad enough as that is, the floating hotel wouldn't have been so tacky if it weren't for Miss Jay's needless monologue about the vast list of amenities available on said cruise liner. Like we really needed to know that there was an ice skating rink on board. Of course we did, because of course the models had a jolly good time chucking fake snowballs at each other whilst circling the ice. Wow. I must remember to jot down the name of this cruise ship that I totally can't recall even though they showed it a cajillion times because now that I've seen the top models aboard such a vessel, I know it's the perfect vacay spot for me! That's advertising dollars hard at work people.

So, ahoy matey! On to deliberations! Or more just commentary really since no one has been eliminated just yet. Oh sure like 90 girls got sent home tonight, but I don't have the wherewithal to talk about all of 'em. Just the remaining thirteen then:

Ambreal: Quite lovely. Good spirited. Sold.

Bianca: I'm reserving judgment for after they get rid of her $25 weave in the makeover episode.

Chantal: Yeah, I guess she's modelesque. I'm guessing she gets eliminated early on. At least she would be if I were Tyra for a day.

Ebony: Ah, shades of Ebony from cycle 1 and Eva Diva from cycle 3. The girl who drives everyone else in the house NUTS, but underneath the beeyotchiness is pain and vulnerability. Sniff. Sniff.

Heather: Lovelovelove the Asperger Syndrome Hunchback of Notre Dame! Seriously, she is gorgeous and as Tyra and the Jays said, everything high fashion is concave anyway. So she'll never stick her chest out and spread her legs for Sports Illustrated.

Janet: My new pixie cut pick! My early fave aside from Asperger girl. Janet has quite the dancer's stance and walk, even though she's a waxer. I suppose the two are not mutually exclusive, however.

Jenah: Don't remember a thing about her except for her stunning face, which either bodes well for her future as a Top Model, or very, very poorly...

Kimberly: Nope, can't recall a thing about this chick either than when I first saw her, I thought her eyes were too wide set. Too early to judge. And you know there are those early low hanging fruits you don't need to pay attention to anyway.

Lisa: I've got a soft spot for the bikini dancer. Definitely in the running.

Mila: Mila is my *WTF were they thinking??!!* girl. I don't see it. I don't see her as a model, I don't see her as remotely attractive, and I don't see her as anything but annoying the crap outta me with her "life is a celebration" business. Oh, sure, I like a positive spirit as much as the next gal, but not someone who thinks that like "life is a celebration" translates into like just literally celebrating like holidays, and like birthdays, and like her friends' birthdays...

Saleisha: I'm down with the girl who went to the Tyra Inspirational Institute. Clearly, it worked cuz that girl has got some confidence, but as I'm sure Tyra taught her, it's a confidence mixed with a dash of humility. Excellent recipe, sure to win Ty Ty's heart every week. Although be afraid people, be very afraid, Tyra's gonna be harder on her. One can only wish for another Tiffani-like tirade from Tyra.

Sarah: Eh, whatever. Pretty, whatever.

Victoria: Awkward smarty pants from Yale rules! I always root for the high I.Q. girls. They've yet to make it, cuz they just can't hang on for the entire, as Stu likes to call it, "ride of the braniacs."

Jaslene: Just had to take a moment to discuss the new My Life as a Cover Girl spot with my beloved Cha Cha Diva, who Stu thinks is abysmally unattractive, but as you all know, I find divinely gorgeous, at least in photographs. So the spot wasn't too horrific, she's certainly lively and enthusiastic enough, however, what the hell did they do to her hair in the narration segments? She has this great dark and shiny, free-flowing mane and they gave her some sort of Teddy Roosevelt, parted-in-the-middle helmet. I might start to see what Stu is talking about if they keep that stylist on staff.

Until next week, dear readers, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!

I'm off to watch my TIVOed episode of Gossip Girl!

The Giants Win the Pennant! The Giants Win the Pennant!

Perhaps Jaslene's win isn't as historically significant, but when they showed her winning face on that screen tonight, I felt as giddy as a Giants fan in 1951.

The girls I pick as my faves never seem to win so I spent the entire season rooting and cheering for our delightful cha-cha diva, worried at every turn that she might be eliminated.

Mother knows best though and since she has never failed to pick a Top Model winner, I should have trusted what she said two weeks ago. I was at her house in NY when Brittany's go-see debacle aired. My mother thought Brit was the girl with the most model potential, but when Brit got the boot, I shouted out, "Mom, your pick just got canned! Who's gonna win now?!" Mom walked over to the TV, paused momentarily, surveyed the remaining girls, and said, "Ahhhh, that one," pointing to Jaslene, "That girl you like."

For the record, Mom did not like Natasha one bit so I shouldn't have worried, but when Tyra thought that Natasha was stronger on the runway (NOT!), I got a bit nervous. But of course my kicky Jaslene pulled it out, and BROKE IT DOWN. A-freakin'-men!!

Until next season, you are ALL in the running towards becoming the next top model!

And as for me, I'm home for now but have a few more trips to take so my posting will still be a bit scarce, but I should be settled down just in time for the Top Chef premiere...get those knives unpacked!!

The Spreader of Light Darkens Our Wednesday Nights No More

I'm posting a pic of Renee cuz I thought she looked the best this week.
It could happen.
(And the CW hasn't put any pics from Australia up yet so we're stuck with this old one until they get their act together.).

While certainly feeling far more lighthearted than yesterday, perhaps just having noticed that my knees are as puffy as marshmallows (if you're not hip to my treadmill incident extraordinaire, click here and witness the horror) has brought my spirits down a notch. But I'm pretty sure that even if I was on Ecstacy, I might still be overwhelmed by the desire to slap Jael upside the head for deeming herself the Spreader of Light. That's treading on Jade territory, but it was almost forgivable when crap like that came out of Jade's mouth because her residence was in another solar system. I believe Jael actually lives on our planet (hell, she'd have to with all of that interest in grass touching, air breathing, and tree climbing), which makes it all the worse because you can see a faint glimmer of normalcy behind that clenched jaw of hers. Jade was a lost cause so she was just frustratingly good entertainment. Jael is merely frustrating.

On the other hand, Jaslene continues to be just a delight! If a Spreader of Light actually had to be declared, Jaslene would be it. She was just so darn earnest about how thrilled she was to travel to another country, having never been anywhere besides the 'hood and around the corner. And her little furrowed brow as she concentrated so darn hard to say her lines without cue cards just makes me want to put her in my bag (she'd probably fit in a carry-on) and take her to every country in the world.

Okay, back to the Ecstasy for a minute--is Tyra on crack or something? Did anyone else notice that something was seriously up with Ty Ty? First of all she broke with panel tradition and had no head scarf on which threw me all off because she's worn one in every single episode this season. And then, she was all wide eyed and wacked out one minute, talking like she was on speed, and then she was totally pissy and dour the next.

Maybe Tyra could pass some of her sudden mood swings on to April from cycle 2 who showed up to give the girls a lesson in broadcast correspondence. Can we get a couple of those paddles the docs in the ER use to bring coronary patients back to life with an electric jolt? That clip of her actually corresponding--and I use the term loosely--from some glorious beach was DEADLY. I might have preferred to watch Jael do some public speaking and we all know her voice makes me want to jam hot pokers into my ear drums. At least Jael is, well, alive. But I found that April looked a bit odd, like maybe she's had some *work done,* so perhaps she had passed away at some point and some Top Model Frankenstein brought her back to life by sewing rigid facial features back together. This might also be the explanation behind her dealthy dull interviewing style.

So before I pass out from thinking about April any further (although maybe Tyra has some something I can use to perk up), on to deliberations!

Brittany: Perhaps the worst job I've ever had was selling health club memberships. Every day I had to call lapsed members, coerce them, if not down right guilt them, into coming into the gym to look around again and hopefully rejoin. Most people feel extremely guilty about not exercising and when pressed, ramble on about their busy schedules. One day I was making my calls and listening to the usual excuses. About half way through my list, I called a woman and asked her why she hadn't been to the gym in a while. Her response: "Oh, I just got out of a coma." I paused. I paused some more. She laughed. I laughed too. "Oh," I chuckled, "that's a the best excuse I've ever heard!" She laughed some more, "I'm actually not kidding. I have been in a coma. I'm just laughing because it's a weird thing to tell people." Uh huh. "But I'd like to start exercising when I'm fully recovered. Can I call you then?" Sure. My point being, who freaking knew Brit had brain damage!? She still looks beautiful and really, if she wins, she does one cycle of those dumb Cover Girl spots and then she'll be lucky to get print work in a crafting magazine like April, so her short term memory problem shouldn't really be an issue past, say mid-2008.

Dionne: Eh. Not much to report on the Dionne front tonight. No great zingers unless you count her use of "mumbo jumbo," but that's not all that thrilling and neither was anything she did this evening.

Jael: She looked oddly good in that blue wig as she was making her exit. Or maybe I was just really excited to see her go.

Jaslene: Oh, my little skinny Janice Dickinson! She's coming back. That would be Jaslene who's coming back, not Janice. Although Janice hasn't appeared this cycle--it might be time. But she's probably so busy with what I believe to be her fake, made-for-TV modeling agency, that she probably doesn't have time.

Natasha: I don't know if I thought her commercial was the best, but it was pretty damn good all considering. Plus I was pretty impressed with her correspondence and her use of Aussie slang. And speaking of Aussies, I haven't commented on Sydney as Top Model's foreign locale. Pretty cool although Tyra's bunny suit appearance was the lamest travel announcement yet. It was oddly lacking in build up and climax, aside from Natasha's strangely endearing delayed reaction. At least Tyra didn't try to convince everyone that Sydney is a fashion capitol. The Aussies always seem to be more about fashion insanity than fashion sense.

Renee: Did Jael spread some light on Renee or something? I think she looked absolutely gorgeous in her commercial and while her delivery was a bit aggressive and boyish, her accent wasn't bad and she really did have good energy. I don't know...I'm sensing Renee could be sticking around down under.

Until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!

Hey--no scenes for next week's episode! That usually indicates the rather dull recap episode. Grrr.

"Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."

Couldn't decide which pic to post...




Oh sweet Jesus, after last night's Pussycat Doll slow burning tedium, tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model was like a high-speed car chase. VROOOOMMMM.

I was just thinking, did you ever notice how whenever the PCDs are in their house, they just lounge around on their beds or eat? Oh sure, sometimes they rehearse late into the night and sometimes Asia decides to relive her boxing dreams in a smack down with one of the girls, but for the most part, they don't do a whole hell of a lot at home. I guess if you think about it, the Top Models don't either but there just seems to be more lively interaction (or maybe just better editing). Even when they're not at a challenge or photo shoot, there's something to watch and witness. Okay, witness may be a bit of a strong statement cuz it's not really necessary to behold a bunch of model wannabes bitch about each other, their modeling woes, or their extraordinarily difficult days, which the weight of the word "witness" would imply.

So what did we behold this evening that was so riveting compared to the tiresome Search for the Next Doll? Well, we knew that acting challenge was due any minute.

And here's where our history lesson begins. Listen and learn future Top Models, for it pains me to see this go unacknowledged cycle after cycle. Ye must be warned: whichever girl perks up when she learns that it's time for the acting challenge not only never wins said challenge, much to her great surprise, but she usually goes home that week too. So Whitelle, the minute you proclaimed acting to be your forte, you were a goner.

And poor Whitelle was the double whammy history lesson. Sad but true, the plus size girl has never won. It's likely that his Top Model history will always repeat itself.

Also, historically, the girl who starts out kicking major ass slowly sinks to the shadowy depths of defeat. We know it, the judges know it, and Jaslene has clearly watched enough Top Model to know it too. Out by the pool she claimed she didn't want to be the girl who starts out strong and then fades. Don't fade, my skinny Jaslene!! Let's stop history in its tracks!

Having nothing to do with history, but perhaps related in that it has to do with a kind of history via legacy via DNA (I'm stretching to tie it all together. Work with me.), I have to pause before deliberations and comment on this kid business. How many freakin' girls have babies in this cycle? Between Top Model and the PCD moms, I can't keep count. And I'm just not down with making the decision to leave your kid to pursue modeling or whatever it is the PCDs do. Not only cuz I think that those aren't the best careers upon which to embark when trying to raise a bambino, but because now I gotta listen to you piss and moan about missing your kid for thirteen weeks or however long you last on these shows. I know, I'm not a mom, so I don't understand, but the thing is, I do understand. I have siblings and friends with kids and they miss their children within hours of being apart which I find delightfully wonderful. But if you know you're going to miss your kid in a day, don't try to leave the tyke for like thirteen weeks. That's all I'm sayin'.

However, I must confess that I got choked up when Renee and Dionne's little ones showed up. Okay, okay, okay, I admit it! It was touching! They all looked so happy, I had to cry. A little. I stopped crying though as soon as Dionne asked what the fuck was wrong with her baby's hair. Oh,that was good stuff. She was pissed that her daughter's hair looked like crap because Dionne's older sister, who is helping take care of the girl, only has boys and despite Dionne's sister being a girl herself, seemingly with her own head of girlish hair, she has no clue how to style a female coif. Dionne was still glad to see her family though, which was good to know.

But right back to history which repeated itself even further when Top Model alums showed up for the shoot. Double the deliberation fun!!

Brittany and the Twins: I loved the twins all last cycle. They were a bit stiff, but I think they totally have the high fashion look. Not the Cover Girl look, but the actual model look. However, in their photo with Brit they either didn't give a crap and didn't even try, or Brit was just that good. Good for Brit either way since the judges just saw that she out shined Michelle and Amanda.

Dionne and Kim: Before I get to the shoot, I have to quote my fave non-photo shoot line of Dionne's, which is even better than the thing about the kid's hair. Re: her acting, "I have no idea why that Jamaican accent came out. I do not speak Jamaican AT ALL." Sigh. I heart Dionne. I also heart Kim. I was completely devastated when she was eliminated from her cycle. So, there's Dionne and Kim about to start posing in the limo and right before that, Dionne says, "I'm not a fucking lesbo." She got major demerits for that and I thought I was going to have to stop hearting her, but then mid shoot, she turns it around! When asked why she was giggling, she responds, "I'm actually enjoying this!" I'm happily taking Dionne's demerits off her record.

Jael and Rebecca: Rebecca always reminded me of Reese Witherspoon whom I think is super fab so I liked Rebecca. She's a bit plain for modeling, but quite lovely. I'm still awed by that dead drop to the floor though. As for Jael, I'm not even gonna talk about her ridiculous shoot or her belief that the judges don't get her because she's "very complicated" (Um, I don't think so, Jael. In fact, you couldn't be more uncomplicated and obvious.). What I am going to do is jump up and down for joy for as many minutes as possible because the judges FINALLY acknowledged that Jael has the most irritating speaking voice on the planet. I'll defer to Twiggy who said, "When Jael opens her mouth it makes me crazy!" Amen, sister!

Jaslene and Bre: I've often said that Bre is a crazy person. I hope she's settled down since her cycle cuz if not, she's still a crazy person. However, she did say some of the funniest things I've ever heard on Top Model, like wanting to know who gave birth to the Wild Boyz because they were clearly ill parented, so her lack of sanity might be worth something. However, I'll never get over the horrible things she said to my Kim! And as for Jaslene, she knows what's what. She's gonna step it back up. I know it. I have faith!

Natasha and Michelle: Oh, who doesn't love a wrestler from Terre Haute, IN, who comes down with impetigo, sometimes mistaken for a flesh eating virus? She's weirdly pretty and yet not. Natasha, however is looking prettier and prettier every shoot and I gotta give her props for pulling it together after her baby didn't show up. Girl, you DIDN'T WIN THE PRIZE. She didn't seem to quite get it and just thought it was unfair that her family didn't magically appear. Yes, it's sad that she misses them so much, but she DIDN'T WIN THE PRIZE.

Renee and Joanie: Now any of you who were with me during Joanie's cycle know how I feel about her. Lovelovelove her! I think Danielle is gorgeous and fabulous, but Joanie was ROBBED. As for Renee, her pic was okay, ugly or pretty, but what I really want to note is that she looks great in a head scarf. I don't know if she's taking cues from Tyra, who has worn a head scarf in every single panel so far, or what, but it works. I don't know if it works so much for Tyra. And what else was she wearing this week? Who let her out of the house in a flouncie mini dress, full head wrap, and strappy sandals? The Go Fug Yourself girls might need to be notified.

Whitney and Shannon: Shannon's really matured quite nicely, don't you think? I mean she's kinda got that *not twenty anymore* look about her and it's working. Didn't help Whitney any though. And while Whitney didn't win the acting challenge, she clearly didn't bomb it either and I think she may be the first girl in Top Model history to decide, in her exit interview, that maybe she shouldn't pursue modeling and that she might be better suited to something else (perhaps acting). Let's hope that history repeats itself. That would save a lot of girls a lot of future heartache.

Until next week--when we travel!!--you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!!

The Search for America's Next Top Pussycat Doll Model

It's late. I'm tired. The Mariners game pre-empted last night's episode of The Search for the Next Doll so tonight I pitched a double header. I watched America's Next Top Model and the PCDs back to back. My sight is blurry and my arm is weary from taking notes as if I'd pitched 18 innings. And that's probably the only sports metaphor you'll ever get from me, no matter how many episodes of Sports Night I watch. But I guess Sports Night would never do me any good in that department since its tagline boasts, "It's about sports. The same way Charlie's Angels was about law enforcement."

And speaking of Charlie's Angels, have we all seen the ads for Bravo's Shear Genius? Jaclyn Smith is hosting. Jaclyn Smith, people! Kelly Garrett! One of my lifelong kickass girl cop/P.I. idols! I was gonna watch the show just cuz in my fantasy life I'm a hair stylist (you know, after my other fantasy life in which I'm a personal trainer and gym owner), but now, this. How can I go wrong?

But I digress. Because it's late. And I'm tired. And it's very possible that I've lost a few brain cells watching two CW reality shows in a row. I've certainly lost two hours of my life, but I lost them willingly and when Stu asked me how I could watch The Search for the Next Doll without laughing, to which I replied that I was laughing on the inside, I realized that at least I lost those hours comically as well. And really, is there any other way to lose time you'll just never be able to get back?

On a related note, while Zen was a comedic bomb on Work Out last night, this evening, two girls shined in the comic arena. And since you know I hold the ability to make others laugh as the greatest of all talents, I might have a couple of new favorite girls. Now you know, on ANTM, my heart belongs to Jaslene and on PCDs I'm missing my Sisely who got das boot last week, however this week, it's as if Jody Watley appeared before me, crooning, "I'm looking for a new love, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." And these two girls not only made me laugh, but also won their respective show's challenges. I didn't even realize that twin coincidence until just now. This whole double header theme is working out really nicely (And if it concerns you that I've used "double header" twice, lest you think I actually know sports stuff, I had to check with Stu that it did indeed mean playing two baseball games in one night. It does. So I must actually know sports stuff.)

So without further ado, well, really, no ado needed since you can see to whom I'm referring by the pictures above, the two girls who struck home runs this evening (OMG--more sports!! Can you tell baseball season is upon us? I'm doomed until October...) are Dionne and Melissa S.

Dionne has held a special place in my heart since she referred to herself by her hair dye numbers and talked the judges into comas during auditions. She's said many joyous things that I've mentioned in other posts, but tonight, and this might not translate as well in writing as it did in her unique voice, she scored major points for the following:
Re: Natasha jumping in the pool, "Why the hell you wanna jump in a swimming pool?! We're here for business!"
Re: her chosen super name, "Wholahay may not sound good, but it got your attention."
Re: crying over missing her daughter (which I can understand but you know how I feel about the kid thing), "Shake it off! Shake it off," while wiping away her tears with Benny Medina's Hermes handkerchief.

Melissa S. doesn't have the triple threat, trifecta, hat trick (WTF? I just referred to basketball, horse racing, and hockey in one sentence! Are the planets misaligned or something? Cut me off. NOW.), but in one swoop, she was nothing but net (Okay, now I just can't stop myself.):
Re: learning choreography on a bus en route to Las Vegas:"Who learns choreography on a moving bus? Will someone please tell me because clearly, I didn't get the memo."

And with that, I am moving on to double deliberations (Because I'm not even going to waste a moment on that RIDICULOUS name change business.)!

ANTM
Brittany: Oh good lord, get that weave off of that poor girl's head! It doesn't even look like fake hair anymore. Just flaming strands of hay. Announcing her weave issues to Benny Medina was her big misstep, but her photos were fab as usual.

Dionne: Need I say more? Oh, yes, I need. Extra points for not only winning the challenge, but remembering something she learned from Benny Ninja three episodes ago and applying it in her Keds shoot. This type of brain function might be unprecedented in Top Model history.

Jael: Thank god this girl took some excellent photos this week cuz I thought 50 Cent was being pretty generous by only pushing her into the pool and not off the side of the building. I don't even know where to begin but I'll leave Jael with this to ponder: if loving music is all that matters to you in a human being, you might want to set the bar a little higher. Charles Manson loved music too.

Jaslene: Okay, so she finally took a crappy photo, but she's still my girl! She kicked it with 50 Cent and Benny Medina and you know she's going to take everything she learned in panel and use it during every forthcoming shoot.

Natasha: You know, this crazy broad is growing on me. Her shots were fantastic and it's possible that I might not need to knock back a shot of Absolut every time she reads the Tyra Mail.

Renee: She might be growing on me too, and not because Tyra and her Svengali ways forced Renee to have a revelation about the pain in her life, allowing her to apologize for being an enormous beeyatch. She's still an enormous beeyatch, but I gotta give the girl credit for being pretty sincere and genuine about her beeyatchedness. Although she gets absolutely NO CREDIT for thinking that Funky Cold Medina implied a transvestite party. Where on earth did she get that notion from a song written by Young MC and performed by Tone Loc?

Sarah: No shocker in the poser heading home. Now we don't need to hear about her life as a photographer anymore. I shan't miss her at all.

Whitney: Sure, I want Whitney to get the skinny bitches (But not Jaslene! Ironically, the skinniest of them all.), but I just can't get it up for her. And it's not even her plus size that's going to cause her elimination. It's time for her to stop being smart Dartmouth girl. She might need my acupuncturist who told me I think too much.

PCDs
All right, I'm going to knock these deliberations out of the park in one shot (That might be a mixed sports metaphor. Or just a mixed metaphor. Or just a bad metaphor.). Even though I have new found love for Melissa S., I think Chelsea has a good voice, I loved Mariela's dancing, and I find Anastacia stunning, I don't think any of these girls should be the Next Pussycat Doll. How about them apples?!

Firstly, I still have no idea why on earth there needs to be another Doll, but secondly, while I'm not saying that the actual PCDs are a hotbed of natural talent, they at least look like adults and professionals (professional what, I'm not totally sure, but that's something we can debate at a later time). These girls look like adolescents flailing about at a high school talent show, imitating what they think a PCD performance should look like without having any idea how to make it happen. Actually Asia's just busy imitating Beyonce, Mariah, and Whitney (that's where she gets that fingers-tapping-on the mic thing) and it's not working. So glad that vocal coach called her on her fake singing. Stu and I call it vocal noodling and it is indeed a total cop out. It's what you do when you can't pick a note and stick with it. You just flop and slide around it and hope that someone thinks your vocal chords are just remarkably acrobatic. This is why Jennifer Hudson can kick Beyonce's singing ass any day of the week. And I'm really glad Ron Fair called her on it, in addition to the finger thing. Can you tell Asia's bugging me? Have your cheeseburgers and french fries and get back to the Knicks City Dancers! That's way cooler anyway. But leave the burger and fries. I'm totally PMSing like Asia and my need for meat and salt is insatiable right now. And like Anastacia, I could really use a good dessert.

But seriously--or not seriously cuz Stu already questioned whether or not this show was a comedy--I always talk about how no one who's ever been on Top Model ends up doing anything but catalog work (potentially in a jumper in a crafting magazine, as Ms. Alisa witnessed--see the comments section of this post), but compared to the girls competing to be in the PCDs, the potential Top Models look like they're going to become the next Tyras, Cindys, Giseles, Heidis, and Darias.

But hey, at least, tonight, Mariela learned that she was fearless and Robin actually showed some emotion and teared up when she eliminated the girl with the killer extension. And as usual Tyra got all of her girls to tear up. See how I tied it all together since I watched both shows tonight? Did I mention that it's late? And that I'm tired?

Until next week, you are still in the running towards loosening up those buttons, flinging those pink boas, and becoming America's Next Top Model!

Death and Taxes

Death becomes Jaslene, whether she's the killed or the killer.

They say that death and taxes are the only two things in this life of which you can be certain. However, if you've watched eight cycles of America's Next Top Model, by now you've learned that there are just a few more things to be sure of in this world:

1. That the smart girl who left Dartmouth to model and is $9K in the hole to Daddy (And not Sallie Mae? There probably won't be any creditors knocking at her door any time soon after graduation.) and was accused of not being a model in the previous episode will do her *I'm-determined-and-that's-why-I-got-into-an-Ivy-League-school-
and-can do-anything-I put-my-mind-to* best and win $40K worth of bling in a test of modeling agility. (How cool is Benny Ninja, the posing coach? Where can I get a name and job like that?)

2. That Whitney would have to linger before opening her box after everyone else, which clearly held the winning bling because a) everyone else's boxes were already open, and b) who couldn't see that coming from beyond the laser maze, out past the doors of the warehouse, and into the Los Angeles street? And how poorly acted was Whitney's gasp of shock and surprise over the bracelet's being in her box as if she OMG just could not believe it! Thank god the acting lessons are merely a few episodes away--another thing of which you can be sure.

3. That the girl who claims destitution, but who's been labeled the beeyatch of the house, will, despite her mounting debt and dreams to provide for her husband and child, not only not win the $40K diamond bracelet, but, great efforts aside, stink to holy hell at the challenge, just to take her down a peg or two.

4. That when destitute Renee is left alone with her failure, she will profess to not being able to handle her own broken spirit and cry to her husband to come get her and take her home, where she should be. Well, yeah she should be at home with her child and not traipsing about on a reality television show, but that's a point I'll stop making eventually.

5. That Renee was most certainly not going home, and was gonna turn herself around and crank out the best photo of the week. Tyra loves a turnaround!

6. That in every episode until her elimination (and you can be sure there will be an elimination), Natasha will say something that's either a sign of stupidity or a language barrier. This week Natasha thought she was going to be deported by the Voguing D.O.T. officer.

7. That if Felicia has to ask if Tyra has a fierce picture they can look at, you can bet your Pussycat Doll ass cheeks she's going home. Seriously--I called that one before Felicia had the crappy photo shoot. First of all, isn't every picture of Tyra fierce (according to Tyra)? And second of all, isn't the house filled with pictures of the woman? Need Felicia wonder aloud if there's one--fierce or not--to gaze upon for inspiration? Like god creating man (you know, if you're down with that creationism thing), Tyra created that house in her image. Oh wait, not in her image, but decorated in her image. My mistake.

8. That if someone has just gotten news of the death of a close friend, the photo shoot will involve...DEATH! Remember Kahlen in a coffin as wrath the day her friend died? Suspicious, no?

9. That the minute Renee decided she wasn't going to tell a soul about her excellent photo shoot, Jay was gonna turn around and tell the entire dressing room. Has he ever done that before? Did you not figure out he was gonna do it the minute Renee said she wouldn't? Indeed, Top Model's consistency in contrivances is as certain as death!

10. That if Felicia insists that she has had a fabulous photo shoot and jumps up and down in her underwear shouting "I'm not going home! I'm not going home!" she's going straight home come time for Tyra to only have two photos in her hand.

11. That Sarah is going to mention her experience as a photographer in every episode. She reminds me of Star Jones who, during her stint on The View, began her every response to every question with "Well, as a lawyer..." You could ask her what her favorite pre-gastric-bypass flavor of ice cream was and she would reply, "Well, as a lawyer, it's got to be Chubby Hubby."

12. That in cycle eight of Top Model, Tyra is going to wear some form of a head scarf during every judging panel.

13. That I will deliberate on every model:

Brittany: Is she ever gonna take a bad picture?

Diana: So many girls had good shots this week, Diana included, that I'm not going to comment on every single picture, but god knows there's always something good to be said about something someone did. For Diana, it was showing us that she had a tad of insight when she said she wasn't buying Renee's seeming 'tude change. Perhaps she's not the dolt I imagined her to be last week.

Dionne: Here's what I loved about Dionne this week, bottom feeder status aside: Right before she started the laser maze, Dionne went on and on about how the hell she was gonna get through that thing and what the hell and oh my lord jesus there was no way she was gonna figure out how to get to the end. What's the first move she makes? A drop-to-the-floor split.

Felicia: Even though she had a clear grasp of the meaning of "oxymoron," which I found highly impressive, her knowledge of the contradiction of looking alive while pretending to be dead just didn't translate in her photo. Baby Tyra is outta there. BTW--have you ever seen Tyra give exit advice before (unless you count the infamous Tiffani tirade)?

Jael: I still can't stand the fact that this girl couldn't open her mouth all the way if her life depended on it, but when you can actually understand what the hell she's saying, I fully appreciate that she says crap like, "I acted the damn fool but had such a good time." Dark girl's got a sunny side. Go figure.

Jaslene: Bringing it in another awesome photo and bringing the oomph to panel. Now if someone would only bring her some nachos. That girl is just ridiculously skinny. But I love her anyway.

Natasha: The only girl who can only model upside down.

Renee: Never let it be said that I don't give credit where credit is due. I didn't think she looked particularly dead in her shot, but it was a beautiful shot nonetheless. I still don't have to like her, do I? You saw the clip from next week's show. You know she can't change her beeyatch ways.

Sarah: "As a photographer..." get over yourself Star Jones Reynolds!

Whitney: She's keeping the bracelet. Yeah--I didn't think she was all that concerned about that nine grand she owes her father. Her photo shoot was a little floppy for my tastes--as in she just kept flopping from pose to pose, I think, in an attempt to make it seem as if she had just landed in that position post model attack--but quite an improvement from last week and I'm still rooting for the big girls. Can't wait to see her get into it with Renee next week!

And until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!

There's No Crying in Baseball!

Penis, er,I mean ice cream, anyone? Phallic symbol aside, I'm actually just posting this pic so I can continue to fulfill my new lifelong goal of annoying the crap outta Renee. This week Brit seemed to get Renee's goat, so, way to go, Brit!!

Was the entire cast of America's Next Top Model PMSing this week? There seemed to be an inordinate amount of crying. I'll cut Jael all the slack she wants cuz, well, dead friend and all. That kinda trumps everything and the girl can shed as many tears as she's got.

Brittany, on the other hand, excellent model though she is, needs to dehydrate and stop producing so much fluid from behind her eyes. I'm sure it sucks to get a painful weave that looks awesome. I'm sure it sucks to win the challenge when you feel like puking. I'm sure it sucks to worry about being nude while holding ice cream in your apparently very sensitive hands and then take the best picture of the week. All of these things HARDSHIPS. We feel your pain, girl. But please--and I quote Melissa Manchester whom I believe said it best-- please, "don't cry out loud." For all of our sakes, "just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings."

Now at one point, Whit BROKE IT DOWN for Brit (Don't you like how I broke down those names so they totally rhyme? Sure, Whitney and Brittany rhyme too, but it's just not quite as clever, now is it?). Whit told Brit that where she comes from people cry cuz someone got shot, not cuz their new hairdo was bothersome. However, a mere thirty minutes later during panel, Whitney cried like she had the weight of every plus sized model on her shoulders. Did you see that crazy crying face? I thought she was upset because her fellow plus girl was a bottom feeder, but she cried equally as hard when Cassandra was sent packing.

Of course by then, the entire damn cast was sobbing uncontrollably, hence my original question. Is it PMS week on Top Model or what?

And of course, we could continue this line of questioning and use Renee's ongoing beeyatchedness as further evidence of the lunar cycle. In this week's episode of Hall & Oates presents "Bitch girl" (Yeah, I know the song is "Rich Girl" and the lyric I'm referring to is actually, "it's a bitch girl," but "bitch girl" is technically a direct quote, just out of context. I'm so ready for a job with real media.), Renee is soooo bored by Brittany and will stop at nothing to tear her down, including telling Brittany she needs to get off of her pedestal for not expecting a house full of girls to talk smack about her behind her back. Sure Renee makes a pragmatic point in pointing out that a house full of caddy girls can only result in gossip and back stabbing, but somehow she twisted her own logic and made herself look stupid. Way to go! Brittany came back with the only possibly retort: "I'm still kicking your ass in this competition!" Indeed.

Screwing herself again, Renee noted that in Jael's time of mourning, she "didn't need any fake bitches being her friend," and proceeded to offer no support to Jael whatsoever. So basically, Renee is implying that by abiding by what she just said, she herself is a fake bitch because if she wasn't she should have offered support to Jael. Either that or Renee is admitting to being the most unsupportive bitch around. There's an LSAT logic question in there somewhere.

On to deliberations (makeovers and photo shoots!)!

Brittany: She may be holding ice cream on a prick, but this girl always knows what to do with her face and body. And the painstaking weave looks like it was worth every grueling minute.

Cassandra: The 'fro looked good, but that was pretty much the only thing that did. I'm sure she's a delight to be around, but as Jade said two cycles ago, "this is America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Friend." I am loathe to quote Jade, but she had a point there and it was one of the few sentences she spoke in coherent English.

Diana: Is it just me, or is Diana a dolt? I hate to be mean, but I think I heard her call the non-plus-sized models "straight girls." Seriously. And when she was asked why she was so nervous and uncomfortable with her body she vacantly replied, "oh, I don't know..." You could tell even Tyra was with me on the dolt thing. Tyra replied quite sarcastically, "Some self-reflection then maybe." Diana was just like "oh, okay." Hello! Anybody home, McFly?

Dionne: Lovelovelove the short haircut on her and lovelovelove that during the photo shoot she shouted out, with all of the happiness and sincerity she could muster, "You know what, Jay, I think I'm more comfortable naked!"

Felicia: I'm just gonna say the same thing about her every week. She is nice. She is lovely. She is nice and lovely. And while the dark hair and bangs make her stand out a bit more than she did before, I just don't ever see her as anything more than nice and lovely.

Jael: I'm kinda crushing on Jael right now. As much as I abhor whining and excuse making, the opposite is also true in that I adore maturity and professionalism and all around stepping up when it's necessary. Jael did that and more. Not only did she suffer through an eight hour weave only to have to suffer through having it removed and then totally rocking her crop cut and then kicking ass in her photo, but she dealt with the loss of her friend with a hell of a lot of grace. And in a moment of seriousness, a la Tyra with her enlarged, understanding eyes of sympathy, I do send my condolences to Jael and her friend's family. If you've ever lost anyone close to you, you have to acknowledge it when someone else goes through it, even if they're on a stupid reality show.

Jaslene: Still rocking the photos but can't get it together in person. Surely after Tyra's insightful lesson on culture and ethnicity, Jaslene's Latino spunk will spring to life again.

Natasha: Great pin-up shot until you got to those squinty eyes. What was she doing? The dark hair and bangs are fine cuz she's a beautiful girl, but...waiter, vodka, straight up, please!

Renee: I so dislike Renee that I can't even comment on her picture. If she were a spectacular model I would cut her some slack for being so heinous, but she's at best mediocre so what's the point? Linda Evangelista seems like a raving bitch, but at least she's stunning and an amazing model and doesn't get out of bed for less than $50,000 a minute or some such number that's the equivalent of what I make in year (The actual quote is in the page I linked to. It's far less dramatic that I what I just wrote for her.).

Sarah: Excellent shot and her know-it-all narcissism was pretty in check this week. The dark hair is fine, although I preferred the blond pixie.

Whitney: That skin is to die for, but the face...relax, girl! You're pretty, you're smart--sure you look weird when you burst into hysterical tears, but other than that, you know, go with it!

Until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!

They're Off and Meowing!

Oh, Search for the Next Doll, how art thou like America's Next Top Model? Let me count the ways:

1. Both shows are like watching porn movies. You really just want to see the photo shoots and performances so you sit through the rest until you get to the good parts. And with the Pussycat Dolls, when you get to the performances, it actually is kinda like porn, so this analogy really works, with all due respect to the porn industry.

2. Both shows are hosted by icons of their industries. I might debate Robin Antin's iconic status but as Next Doll is trying to make us believe that the Pussycat Dolls are some enormously influential cultural force (I believe Mark McGrath referred to them as "the biggest girl group of all time" with which I might beg to differ), we'll let them run with that. However, Robin's understated and downright chilly demeanor is no match for Tyra's faked orgasms of interest in her models. Robin lacks Tyra's narcissism, but she also lacks the joy that goes along with it. Crack a smile, woman! Tyra may only be smiling because she sees herself in all of her girls, but at least she looks happy in her own reflection!

3. As second-in-commands, Top Model has a snarky, platinum blond creative director in Jay and Next Doll has a snarky, bald choreographer in Mikey. Mirroring their commanders, Jay seems like a warm snuggly puppy compared to Mikey's cold, wet, and dead-fish personality.

4. On both shows, the contestants must share a lavishly decorated home (and by lavish, I mean abundant furniture and decor from IKEA) and scream wildly upon first sight of every pillow, faucet, and doorknob. Extra points for the Next Doll's house: no pictures of Tyra AND they have a dance studio. Score!!

5. Both shows give instructions as to next tasks via mail. Top Model has the now legendary Tyra Mail while Next Doll just has generic Mail. However, Next Doll smartly anticipated the potential low I.Q. of their girls and their mail is actually a video with someone spelling out the details of the coming activities as opposed to Top Model's producers still having yet to understand that their girls just cannot decipher any code or riddle.

6. In this particular season, both shows have a young mother who has weepily left behind her toddler so she can spend the entire season crying about how she's pursuing the dream of being a (fashion) model or (sex) dancer/singer for the benefit of her child. I think we all know how I feel about this.

7. Both shows attempt to teach their girls something concrete (walking!) or conceptual (confidence!) and then put them up to a challenge that reflects all they have learned from the day's hard work. Both shows declare a winner of said challenge, but ah, Next Doll has gone all Project Runway on us and declared that the winner of the challenge will be "safe" from that week's elimination.

8. Both shows take great pains to introduce their judges and offer some biographical data. Mercifully, Next Doll only has three to get through. And no judge on Top Model has ever had as much plastic surgery as Lil' Kim. No prizes for Next Doll to announce (we all seem to be clear on the one), but that means no waiting for Tyra to announce what we've already heard one million times while we watch the models react as if they're hearing them for the first time, every single time.

9. Of course, both shows have judges' deliberations! And of course, both shows will have mine. So for this week's dolls:

Melissa R.: Not as strong as I might have liked, but I still think she's got what they're looking for.

Brittany: A fine nuance and distinction, to be sure, but I do agree that her sexy dancing was actually LESS classy than the Dolls. Plus her attempting that solo vocal run kinda blew. You're outta there!

Asia: This chick is a Knicks girl!? Screw the Pussycat Dolls--the Knicks City Dancers, baby!!

Sisely: I know this girl can sing and maybe last night's song wasn't the best for her voice and maybe she's not the best dancer, but there's something about her that makes me think she's gonna KICK IT. Soon.

Anastasia: I'm just gonna start calling her the Towering Inferno cuz she is so damn tall and hot. She could use a little more chutzpah on stage, but with some work, she could be a burning building of a force to be reckoned with.

Mariela: She's the fab ballet dancer I adore for no other reason than that's she the fab ballet dancer I adore. Oooh--circular logic!

Chelsea: Surprisingly good singer. Not surprisingly bad dancer.

Melissa S. Eh. That's all I want to say about her. So I'll say it again. Eh.

Jamie: There is something about this girl that I lovelovelove. She's just cute and kicky and I want her to win. And yeah, she's pretty good at the dancing and the singing, but really, one should win just for kickiness, shouldn't one?

10. Both shows dramatically call out the names of those who get to remain on the show for at least one more week. Models get their photos handed to them. Dolls, don't forget those boas! Models hear "You are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model." Dolls hear "Congratulations." Someone's getting the short end of the stick here.

11. Both shows make a ginormous deal of pointing out the flaws and mistakes of the last two girls to be called, one of whom is getting the high-heeled boot. I like to call the last two girls "bottom feeders."

12. And finally, we come to the ceremonial closing of each week's episodes. When a Top Model has to hit the road, she is directed to "pack up her belongings and go home." A rejected Doll is told she "will not be the next Pussycat Doll. Please hang up your boa." Hugs all around for both models and dolls alike. Can you feel the love tonight?

At the end of a Top Model post, I always tell readers that until next week, they are still in the running towards becoming the next top model! I believe it is time for what will be my weekly Doll closing, in honor of my love for the song Buttons as well as my burgeoning obsession with the boas:

Until next week, loosen up those buttons and fling those pink boas, baby!

The Dog Ate My Homework

As long as Jaslene keeps kicking it, I'm gonna keep posting her pics. OR, as long as Jaslene keeps annoying the crap outta Renee, I'm gonna keep posting Jaslene's pics, because hopefully, by the transitive property (which surely, I learned about in high school), I would then be annoying the crap outta Renee, who is annoying the crap outta me.

Those of you who know me know this, and those of you who don’t, I suggest taking note: there is very little that irritates, aggravates, and infuriates me MORE than EXCUSES. So after tonight’s episode, I need to get something out of my system..

AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Obviously, that had Renee’s name all over it.

If you will permit me, a tale: once upon a time, I worked at an advertising agency. One day, in this fair agency, I purchased an ad in The New York Times Book Review. Several days later, it had come to light that while I had bought the ad space, actually having the ad produced had completely slipped my mind. Now, bear in mind that it was 1994—slow computers, no internet, no email, and no digital images. At this point, we still marveled at the thermal paper fax machine. With the deadline mere hours away, the non-existent ad had to be designed, sent to a printer, produced on velox paper, and messengered over to the Times. Before the chaos of emergency ad production began, my boss looked at me from behind her enormous wooden desk and inquired as to why I had failed to create a work order and pass it on to a designer. “There is no reason,” I replied, “I forgot and I apologize.”

Come to think of it, a similar thing happened at work today, thirteen years later, when a sales rep called me on behalf of a bookstore who had not received an order placed a month ago. Turns out, I never forwarded the email order on to anyone. Just sent it right to my trash. Oops. I said the same thing to the rep that I had said to my former boss, “I forgot and I apologize.”

So clearly, this points to either my admirable integrity or my horrendous memory. On the other hand, I can tell you who played the ad agency boss on Bosom Buddies (Holland Taylor, thank you very much—and no, I didn’t just look that up. My friend once tried to stump me on TV knowledge with that one and she’s never gotten over the shock of realizing that I carry this information around with me all the time.), so perhaps this merely indicates my lack of interest in my day jobs.

In any event, I’m sure by now, you see what I’m driving at. I HATE EXCUSES. Needless to say, I hated Jade from cycle six, a terrific excuse maker, but she barely lived on the same planet as the rest of us, so at least there was entertainment value. Renee, on the other hand, is causing me to hyperventilate and there is potential for loss of consciousness should I have to hear her whine one more excuse for why she might have done badly during her class clown photo shoot.

I repeat: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
“Wah—I wanna be the ho!” No comment.
“Wah—Jaslene always gets the good things!” Oh yes, always, since there’s only been one other photo shoot.
“Wah—I was the only girl out of her element!” Because I’m sure Jaslene was totally alternative in high school.

I’m so riled up, I can’t even talk about anything else that happened in the episode. Oh but I will say (Who am I kidding? When can I never think of anything to talk about?) that I thought the walking wasn’t too bad, on the whole, but for the LOVE OF GOD…choreography, people!! It wasn’t that hard.

On to deliberations!

Brittany: She rocks it again! Challenge winner and class valedictorian on many levels. She could be the silent killer. She doesn’t stir up much controversy or draw much attention, but she’ll end up being one of the last two standing without anyone having ever noticed…

Cassandra: Eh. Low hanging fruit. She’ll be one of the earlier ones to go. How could you possibly make cheerleading look that boring?

Diana: Lovely face, good pose, a touch of the dead eye though (for those of you who remember my favorite Tyra lesson from the first cycle: “live eye v. dead eye.”)

Dionne: She barely said a word this episode (what, no jalapeño peppers?) but her bad girl pose said it all.

Felicia: Quite nice. Again.

Tyra: I have to pause from our regularly scheduled deliberations and talk about Tyra for a second. Is she on prozac this cycle? Aside from the oddness of her wearing a head scarf for the second time, she’s so subdued. Her monologue regarding Felicia’s not looking like her (yes Tyra, we know it’s all about you) was fairly engaging and humorous. And even her pretending to stab Nigel in the back, which usually would have come off as nothing but embarrassing was utterly tolerable. And with her newfound restraint, I’m finding that I’m riveted to her modeling advice. Without the din of her self-importance as a distraction it’s far more interesting and instructive. How refreshing!

Jael: I gotta give props to Jael. She absolutely nailed her photo. However, if she acts shocked whenever someone compliments her work one more time, I’m going to kick her self-deprecating ass. There’s a difference between humility and a grating lack of self-confidence. Perhaps Jael can figure out the difference in one of those books.

Jaslene: Okay, so she was abysmal on the runway, but the photo, my god the photo. Spectacular, especially since, contrary to Renee’s belief, I’m quite certain Jaslene was not in her element as the weird girl.

Natasha: Where’s the vodka I told you I was going to drink large amounts of as a result of Natasha’s driving me insane? Please don’t ever let her read the Tyra Mail again, and please, send her home. Preferably not via mail order…

Renee: I’ve probably said enough already, but let’s point out how her photo was more or less fine after all of her pissing and moaning. Even more reason for her to SHUT UP.

Samantha: Still stunning, but you kinda knew she was a goner the minute she uttered the words, “I’m never gonna forget who I am.” That doesn’t ever bode well. At least we also got to hear her say, “I’m a lesbian! No, I’m a ho!” Good stuff.

Sarah: There’s just something about her—even her conversing with the make-up artist about eye shadow was irritating. She’s evidently watched one too many cycles and thought it wise to attempt to work product into her conversation. Save it for My Life as a Cover Girl, which I’m quite certain she’ll never have the opportunity to do (btw—Caridee is excellent in those ridiculous ads!). The photo was coy enough, but there was something pedestrian about her interpretation of flirting.

Herbal Essences: Speaking of corporate sponsors and massive product placement, let’s welcome Clairol’s Herbal Essences to the show! Bottle colors looked good and they seemed to make good use of their coloring, angles, and lighting, but I’d like to see a little more emotion from them next time.

Whitney: Some times the smart girls can’t quite cut it cuz there’s too much going on in their minds and not enough happening in their faces and with their bodies. There’s still potential though.

Next week is episode #3 and we all know what that means, don’t we?! Haircuts and tears galore! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Until then, you are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model!

Let the Screams Begin...America's Next Top Model is BAAAACCKKK!!!!

This pic kinda creeps me out, but Jaslene's face is killer (pun probably intended).

Ah, it's Wednesday night and the monkey-screeching models have returned to prime time and I feel a certain calm wash over me with every high-pitched squeal that ensures irreversible damage to the ear drum. You just know that someone behind the camera is leaning away from his lens shouting, “Now, girls, now! The Tyra Mail has arrived and you must run to it and scream at blood curdling decibels as if it were the greatest thrill of your life to receive fake mail you already knew was coming!” It’s disconcerting and yet simultaneously soothing, reassuring us that for the next twelve weeks, someone will always—wait for it…wait for it… say it with me now —still be in the running towards becoming AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!

We know it all so well. We can announce the prizes on demand, we can introduce the judges by heart, and we can pause the exact amount of seconds that pass before Tyra tells us that she only has two photos in her hand. Yes, much of Top Model is by now as worn out as a flannel shirt at the Good Will where the girls soldiered through their first challenge (Someone please tell me how every girl managed to find an outfit exactly her size within three minutes.), but worn out flannel is comfortable flannel (okay, maybe all flannel is comfortable flannel). And if you bought it at Good Will, what was old to someone else is new to you. So on the eve of this eighth cycle of The Tyra Banks Show, oops…er, I mean ANTM, let’s take a look at what’s old and what’s new, shall we?

Tyra’s voiceover over the intro montage announced that she’s been modeling for a cajillion years, of which we are all painfully aware. The Top Model franchise has reached ridiculous heights of success. We know this too. However, I had absolutely no idea that Heidi Klum hosts the German version. How much better than ours is that version?!?!

The gathering of the semi-finalists is usually in a hotel. This time they went straight to boot camp. I was waiting for Tyra’s entrance to be cringe worthy, and it was, but somehow the stepping wasn’t quite as egregious as last season’s Norma Desmond display, and strangely enough, Tyra seemed relatively restrained throughout most of the show. There were some attempts at utterly un-spontaneous, spontaneously zany moments, but they were mercifully brief and a few were actually, well, funny. Go figure.

As usual none of the girls seemed to know a damn thing about fashion until one of them stepped forward to correctly identify Richard Avedon. And another chick mentioned John Galliano. That almost made up for someone not knowing Caroline Herrera.

Plus sized models have returned and this time, “dere’s two of dem!” (This is to be said in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice. It’s a actually a line from one of his movies, surprisingly, not Twins.). This is a first in Top Model history.

Someone apparently tried to put the breaks on Tyra’s raging narcissism as her face is not lurking, larger than life, around every corner of the house. She was actually gracious enough to allow other models on the walls, but of course, they’re only other Top Model winners, well because, all roads lead to Tyra. And she made up for the fact that her picture does not adorn every wall by spicing up the Tyra Mail which is now written on a photograph of Ty Ty AND bears a stamp that is a picture of yours truly. Why hasn’t the United States Postal Service gotten on that yet?

And of course there are the girls themselves. A new bunch, but not a new breed, to be sure. The Mall-of-America-parking-lot auditions continue to give us the best and the brightest!

On to deliberations!

Brittany: Despite claiming she was particularly loud, I can’t recall hearing a peep out of her. Her pro-fur photo was lovely, so onwards for Brittany.

Cassandra: A bit bland, but pretty and she’s representin’ Seattle so I’ll give a nod her way. And hey—let’s not forget, she sewed a wig on to her head. I don’t have much to say about that other than, hey—she sewed a wig on to her head!

Diana: As they commented, excellent proportions and a pretty face, but perhaps some of the worst modeling I’ve seen in a while. So yeah, I’m rooting for the bigger girls, but I dinged her for saying, “Guns are bad, but some people need them for protection.” X (buzzer sound!).

Dionne: I gotta love Dionne, not because she somehow managed to turn a discussion of veganism to jalapeño peppers, and not because of her 1B30 hair color, but because she said, and I quote, “Dentistry and modeling are my passions!” Aw yeah.

Felicia: I don’t quite see the Baby Tyra thing, but she has a nice face and I think they managed to find a nice shot. All quite nice.

Jael: If Jael doesn’t start opening her mouth when she talks, I’m going to jam a hoola hoop down her throat. And enough with the pissing and moaning about winning the challenge. Oh you poor winner, you! Same thing with the fever. HEY—Tyra has to come to panel when she has a fever! Oh, Tyra. If only we all had your fortitude.

Jaslene: Aside from being frighteningly thin, Jaslene has done nothing to annoy me, has a pretty great walk, and took the best pic of the week. Walking every day, all day, might pay off.

Natasha: I know the Eastern European model is IN, and she’s certainly beautiful, but she’s going to drive me to drinking large amounts of vodka. Straight. Right out of the bottle.

Renee: I hate when they have moms on the show. Why? Because, like Renee, they prattle on and on about how they’re doing this for their children. However, I think not. If you really wanted to do something for your child, and you’re twenty years old, finish your education, get a good job, and raise your child. You can say you’re doing this for your kid all you want, but just like everyone else, you wanna be a model cuz you love thinking about people adoring you for your beauty. I once had a co-worker who did one of those Ivy League layouts in Playboy. She yammered about how she did it to make a feminist statement. That argument is about as old as Gloria Steinem. Who doesn’t want to be looked at in a glossy magazine and thought of as beautiful? Get off your self-righteous high horse and I’ll step down off my soapbox—which will probably happen soon because if Renee’s peace and love pic is any indication she’ll be going home to that kid pretty damn soon.

Samantha: Couldn’t tell you a thing about her except that she’s stunning. Oh, I can tell you that she had trouble doing the lesbian wedding shot because since she has a boyfriend, she had trouble pretending to be in love with a woman. Did I mention that’s she’s stunning?

Sarah: I had high hopes for Sarah until I realized the reason Tyra’s egotism had dwindled was because Sarah stole it. It’s great that she has experience and she certainly knows her stuff and is downright adorable with her pixie cut, but her photo was abysmal and if she’s not careful she’s going to go the way of that chick who’s family had “the pretty gene” a couple of cycles ago.

Whitney: I always root for the plus sized girls, and she’s a smarty pants from Dartmouth who cried when she looked at the view from the house. How could you not like her? Hard to comment on her photo since Samantha stole the scene, but hopefully she’ll step up and do us normal sized women proud!

And tonight’s elimination:

Kathleen: Oh, Kathleen. Always sad to see the first girl have to pack her belongings and go home. And I can’t even put into my own words what I’m going to miss about her, even after just one episode, so, in closing, I give you her words. The greatest hits of Kathleen, an ode to her, if you will:

• “I think every model wants to date Nigel Barker because he’s so…tall.” Um yeah, that’s the only reason. This reminds me of a friend in high school who said, “The Flintstones is a good show, but it’s so unrealistic because they start their car with their feet.” Um yeah, that’s the only reason.
• “My thing is anti-fur. It’s like I hate fur.” Got it. Thanks!
  
• “I know I’m going to have to do something with crap. Not crap literally, but something someone threw away.” Got it. Thanks!
  
• “You’re not the judge of you anymore.” No, but I’m still the boss of me!
• I was going to go down the “animals die naturally—like when they fight in the jungle and the woods--and it’s okay to use their fur for coats” road, but it’s too easy and I’m starting to feel a little guilty…Kathleen will be missed, but most definitely not forgotten.

And with that, until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model!

BTW—who failed to tell me that there’s going to be a reality show to find the next Pussy Cat Doll?!?!? Yeah, I’m going to watch it, but I woulda auditioned for crap’s sake! Sure, I’m a five feet tall, thirty-seven year old Jew, but I coulda BRUNG IT. I was just dancing to that “Loosen Up My Buttons” song in my gym class (Urban Dance—or as my friend and I call it, “So You Think You Can Urban Dance!”). I coulda KICKED IT. But whatever. I’ll just watch instead.