One Thing Leads to Another

Snugglin' at the comedy club leads to...

Snarkin' at the sushi joint leads to...

Smoochin' in the girls' room

Oh, how right The Fixx were, lo those many years ago. While I'm sure they didn't coin the phrase, they might have been the first to sing it, and it sings and speaks the truth. Let's see how indeed, in last night's episode of Work Out, one thing led to many things, and not many of them led to workin' out.

The first link in our daisy chain of events is Gregg's request that Zen accompany him to court, where he stood trial for clocking an agent who made a derogatory comment. Gregg continues to pine for Zen, although I'm not sure how deep the pining actually runs since his criteria for someone being a person worthy of his affection seems to be based on appearances only. In the first episode he stated that Zen was a "great girl," and then proceeded to break her down into a list of great body parts and not much else. Nonetheless, he wanted her emotional support in court, which she was unable to give, offering not compassion, as Gregg had hoped for, but cold-hearted pragmatism. Apparently Zen's family is filled with lawyers and by osmosis she has absorbed plenty o' legal knowledge. I thought it was pretty compassionate of her to try to pass that knowledge on to a twenty-three year old who was about to represent himself in front of a judge, but Gregg didn't see it quite like that and bitched to one of his clients about it while he was stretching out the guy's hamstrings as Zen stood closely by, obviously hearing every word.

Zen later apologized and Gregg revealed that he had done some research--his use of the words "clickety clackety" while vigorously pantomiming typing were meant to be universal symbols for Googling legal terminology--and successfully represented himself, getting his case dismissed and ending up with a disturbance of the peace on his record, which he seemed to feel he deserved for various other activities in which he partakes on any given weekend.

From Gregg's successful court appearance, we move to Zen's on-stage, stand-up comedy performance, which I'm sorry to report was not as successful. First of all, let's clarify one thing: what Zen failed to mention when she said that she was performing stand up, but that was made perfectly clear when the emcee introduced her, is that she was performing at an open mic. I think we all know what this means, yes? It means that she volunteered to sign up to do her routine and that no one actually asked her to do so, except maybe the producers of Work Out who were looking for an outing for the gang and something to beef up Zen's story lines.

Now, I like Zen. She seems like someone I might hang out with. But I probably love comedy a lot more and let me tell ya--a routine based solely on poking fun at your reality show cast mates does not a comedic routine make. Since they never showed Zen performing last season, no matter how many times she identified herself as a comedian, it kinda made me wonder if she had any material prior to the popularity of the show. And sadly, the jokes she made about her fellow trainers weren't particularly funny. I have the utmost respect for stand-up comedy and anyone who attempts it, so Zen gets an A for effort, but rhyming Erika's "rack" with Rebecca's "crack" without any punch line other than "that's what keeps people coming to the gym," isn't necessarily sturdy joke construction. However, Zen did raise an excellent point about Jackie's hair, which leads me to ask if Jackie has a stylist at her home every morning. She can't possibly create that perfect bed head look on a daily basis on her own, can she?

While Zen may have faltered on the comedy stage, she performed quite nicely at Jackie's sex-toy slumber party, modeling lingerie like a true, as Jackie called her, "closet exhibitionist." Zen feigned shyness over her exposed bum, however it was apparent that she wasn't all that ready to doff the flimsy ensemble and relinquish the attention. Unfortunately for Zen, all of the attention went to Jackie and Rebecca. They started hanging out last week, and by this week, they were inseparable, Rebecca fawning over Jackie's sultry feet and stinky dogs. As Ms. Alisa noted in her comment on my previous Work Out post, "lesbo-tastic" experimentation was sure to ensue after said foot fondling and canine cleansing.

And what led directly to such experimentation was--in addition to Jackie's toes and pooches--the scene stealing magic lotion which Rebecca and Jackie dashed into the bathroom to spread on their vajayjays. One thing always leads to another and if you put cream on your hoo-hoo with another gal in the powder room, you'll probably end up making out with her in a different bathroom the very next day.

But before that can occur, you have to follow the correct course of events which includes upsetting your co-workers by cuddling at a comedy show. And then over sushi dinner, you have to act utterly surprised when said co-workers are freaked out by this sudden display of affection between you and your employee, the same employee who spent the entire last season mentioning penises whenever possible. Brian Peeler actually deemed Jackie and Rebecca's PDAs "unethical" and I'm trying to figure out if he's opposed to girl/girl action or employer/employee action. Regardless, despite the turmoil amongst the trainers and Jesse's shock and awe over the loss of his status as Jackie's bitch, action there was.

Rebecca and Jackie rushed off to the bathroom to discuss the inter-gym-staff uproar and amidst hand-holding and longing gazes (surely meant to convey confusion, frustration, but let's-get-it-on attraction, in spite of all this confusion and frustration), Rebecca asked if she should "back off." Right then and there, passion got the best of them and the make out session began. Who knows where it will all lead...I sense it will lead right to Jackie's Hollywood Hills boudoir if upcoming scenes are any indication (But what about Jackie's reconnection with Tiffany? And is it just me, or is Tiffany kinda gummy? Like small teeth and a lot of gum.).

None of this led to anyone actually exercising, but those Sky Lab clients did appear at the gym for boot camp during which Jackie reprimanded Laurie for quitting her plank pose with only two seconds to go. And rightfully so--who gives up with two seconds to go? You made it that far already, stick it out! But I'm also a big fan of the drill sergeant as personal trainer and really loved Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser who chained people to treadmills.

Heeeyyyy...do you think my love for Jillian led to my obsession with Jackie?

Workin' Out and Thinkin' 'Bout the Green-Eyed Monster

Jackie and Kathy WORK IT. I'm soooo jealous.

I was supposed to go to Bainbridge Island with my mother today. Yes, the maternal visit is still in progress and it's going quite well, but it's Sunday and I needed a few hours to get my act together before returning to my bane-of-my-existence day job tomorrow and I thought mom could stand a few hours of quality time with my brother and the grandkiddies. So I opted out of the schlep on the ferry and worked out instead. And then I came home from the gym and watched the TIVOed episode of Work Out that had been burning a hole in my Now Playing list since Tuesday--far too long to have to wait to see Jackie and company. I swear, if I could watch them every day, I would. Seriously.

Seriously, I love this show. I mean I LOVE this show. I failed to post on the first episode because I claimed I wasn't feeling it (feigning obsession with Aaron Sorkin instead), which is an odd thing to feel about a show I claim to adore so much. As I was watching this week's episode, however, I realized that my problem wasn't that I wasn't feeling anything, as "not feeling it" might imply, but that I was feeling way too much. Yeah, I was troubled by the news of Doug's passing and yes, I was fuming over Jackie's ridiculous relationship with Mimi (amen to that break up!), but there was something else going on in that little overactive brain of mine.

I once went to an acupuncturist who said to me, "All your problems are one problem. You think too much!" Tell me about it. Again, today, I could barely figure out how to write this post even though I was thinking (always thinkingthinkingthinking) about the various things I could write about.

And then, I had a thought.

I was thinking about how this week, Jackie picked out her clients for Sky Lab, her new makeover/psychotherapy project. As we all know, I am a sucker for the Triumph of the Human Spirit and an even bigger sucker for those who want to triumph via major life changes. Projection anyone? As Jackie interviewed her life-changing hopefuls, I wept into the dishtowel I had been using to hold my lunch (A rather hot bowl of rice. I really love rice.) I was so happy for the peeps about to work their asses off to shed unwanted pounds and unwanted self-hatred. But when the new clients were assigned to their trainers, I was devastatingly jealous. I whined to the screen: I want Erika to train me cuz she's a recovered bulimic! Ooh--I want Zen cuz she's a comedian with body image issues! Nononono, I want Gregg cuz he's the hardcore new guy! Oh wait, I want Andre cuz he's military!

I want so many things. Trainers and otherwise. And every day, I carry around all of the things I want in my bag, my pockets, my hands, my head. They weigh me down with the heft of desire. And when I watch Work Out, more than any other show, all of those things that I want for myself but do not have become as heavy as whatever Brian Peeler can bench press. And my guess is, that's a lot.

And it's not just the bodies. Of course, I would love to look like Jackie, Erika, Zen, or Rebecca, or any of the models and actresses who pay upwards of $400 an hour to train with them. But it's more than that.

It's Jackie. And that's a lot.

We all know I'm totally hot for Jackie, but it's not just that I want her. It's that I want to be her (Maybe for starters, I should stop eating Newman-O's while I write...). With every muscle, blood vessel, bone, vein, organ, cell, and sinew in my body, I want my existence to be hers. Yes, I am aware that this sounds particularly psychotic and stalkerish, but it isn't. It's not anything more than thirty-seven years of dissatisfaction and disgruntlement over decisions made by cowardice.

I just typed and delted a list of all of the things of Jackie's I covet. The list ranged from owning her own gym to having a kick ass sporty wardrobe (You thought I was going to say "kick ass body," didn't you? Yeah, that's in there too, but Stu can tell you how badly I'd love to live my life in hoodies; low waisted, cropped cargo pants; and chunky sneakers.). But what I realized is this--while I often fantasize about becoming a personal trainer and owning a gym as much as I've fantasized about being a screenwriter and going to the Oscars, my obsession with Jackie and my seething envy of everything in her life from killer shoulders to a home in the Hollywood Hills comes down to wanting this one thing that she has in spades:

Drive and determination that is not hampered and hindered by fear and anxiety.

My guess is that my acupuncturist might tell Jackie that she thinks too much too. But Jackie acts as much as she thinks. Maybe if I watch the rest of this season, I can learn not only how to have the abs I want, but the life I want. Then I wouldn't need Jackie's.

And then maybe she'd sleep with me.