Death and Taxes

Death becomes Jaslene, whether she's the killed or the killer.

They say that death and taxes are the only two things in this life of which you can be certain. However, if you've watched eight cycles of America's Next Top Model, by now you've learned that there are just a few more things to be sure of in this world:

1. That the smart girl who left Dartmouth to model and is $9K in the hole to Daddy (And not Sallie Mae? There probably won't be any creditors knocking at her door any time soon after graduation.) and was accused of not being a model in the previous episode will do her *I'm-determined-and-that's-why-I-got-into-an-Ivy-League-school-
and-can do-anything-I put-my-mind-to* best and win $40K worth of bling in a test of modeling agility. (How cool is Benny Ninja, the posing coach? Where can I get a name and job like that?)

2. That Whitney would have to linger before opening her box after everyone else, which clearly held the winning bling because a) everyone else's boxes were already open, and b) who couldn't see that coming from beyond the laser maze, out past the doors of the warehouse, and into the Los Angeles street? And how poorly acted was Whitney's gasp of shock and surprise over the bracelet's being in her box as if she OMG just could not believe it! Thank god the acting lessons are merely a few episodes away--another thing of which you can be sure.

3. That the girl who claims destitution, but who's been labeled the beeyatch of the house, will, despite her mounting debt and dreams to provide for her husband and child, not only not win the $40K diamond bracelet, but, great efforts aside, stink to holy hell at the challenge, just to take her down a peg or two.

4. That when destitute Renee is left alone with her failure, she will profess to not being able to handle her own broken spirit and cry to her husband to come get her and take her home, where she should be. Well, yeah she should be at home with her child and not traipsing about on a reality television show, but that's a point I'll stop making eventually.

5. That Renee was most certainly not going home, and was gonna turn herself around and crank out the best photo of the week. Tyra loves a turnaround!

6. That in every episode until her elimination (and you can be sure there will be an elimination), Natasha will say something that's either a sign of stupidity or a language barrier. This week Natasha thought she was going to be deported by the Voguing D.O.T. officer.

7. That if Felicia has to ask if Tyra has a fierce picture they can look at, you can bet your Pussycat Doll ass cheeks she's going home. Seriously--I called that one before Felicia had the crappy photo shoot. First of all, isn't every picture of Tyra fierce (according to Tyra)? And second of all, isn't the house filled with pictures of the woman? Need Felicia wonder aloud if there's one--fierce or not--to gaze upon for inspiration? Like god creating man (you know, if you're down with that creationism thing), Tyra created that house in her image. Oh wait, not in her image, but decorated in her image. My mistake.

8. That if someone has just gotten news of the death of a close friend, the photo shoot will involve...DEATH! Remember Kahlen in a coffin as wrath the day her friend died? Suspicious, no?

9. That the minute Renee decided she wasn't going to tell a soul about her excellent photo shoot, Jay was gonna turn around and tell the entire dressing room. Has he ever done that before? Did you not figure out he was gonna do it the minute Renee said she wouldn't? Indeed, Top Model's consistency in contrivances is as certain as death!

10. That if Felicia insists that she has had a fabulous photo shoot and jumps up and down in her underwear shouting "I'm not going home! I'm not going home!" she's going straight home come time for Tyra to only have two photos in her hand.

11. That Sarah is going to mention her experience as a photographer in every episode. She reminds me of Star Jones who, during her stint on The View, began her every response to every question with "Well, as a lawyer..." You could ask her what her favorite pre-gastric-bypass flavor of ice cream was and she would reply, "Well, as a lawyer, it's got to be Chubby Hubby."

12. That in cycle eight of Top Model, Tyra is going to wear some form of a head scarf during every judging panel.

13. That I will deliberate on every model:

Brittany: Is she ever gonna take a bad picture?

Diana: So many girls had good shots this week, Diana included, that I'm not going to comment on every single picture, but god knows there's always something good to be said about something someone did. For Diana, it was showing us that she had a tad of insight when she said she wasn't buying Renee's seeming 'tude change. Perhaps she's not the dolt I imagined her to be last week.

Dionne: Here's what I loved about Dionne this week, bottom feeder status aside: Right before she started the laser maze, Dionne went on and on about how the hell she was gonna get through that thing and what the hell and oh my lord jesus there was no way she was gonna figure out how to get to the end. What's the first move she makes? A drop-to-the-floor split.

Felicia: Even though she had a clear grasp of the meaning of "oxymoron," which I found highly impressive, her knowledge of the contradiction of looking alive while pretending to be dead just didn't translate in her photo. Baby Tyra is outta there. BTW--have you ever seen Tyra give exit advice before (unless you count the infamous Tiffani tirade)?

Jael: I still can't stand the fact that this girl couldn't open her mouth all the way if her life depended on it, but when you can actually understand what the hell she's saying, I fully appreciate that she says crap like, "I acted the damn fool but had such a good time." Dark girl's got a sunny side. Go figure.

Jaslene: Bringing it in another awesome photo and bringing the oomph to panel. Now if someone would only bring her some nachos. That girl is just ridiculously skinny. But I love her anyway.

Natasha: The only girl who can only model upside down.

Renee: Never let it be said that I don't give credit where credit is due. I didn't think she looked particularly dead in her shot, but it was a beautiful shot nonetheless. I still don't have to like her, do I? You saw the clip from next week's show. You know she can't change her beeyatch ways.

Sarah: "As a photographer..." get over yourself Star Jones Reynolds!

Whitney: She's keeping the bracelet. Yeah--I didn't think she was all that concerned about that nine grand she owes her father. Her photo shoot was a little floppy for my tastes--as in she just kept flopping from pose to pose, I think, in an attempt to make it seem as if she had just landed in that position post model attack--but quite an improvement from last week and I'm still rooting for the big girls. Can't wait to see her get into it with Renee next week!

And until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!