Wednesday, March 14, 2007

There's No Crying in Baseball!

Penis, er,I mean ice cream, anyone? Phallic symbol aside, I'm actually just posting this pic so I can continue to fulfill my new lifelong goal of annoying the crap outta Renee. This week Brit seemed to get Renee's goat, so, way to go, Brit!!

Was the entire cast of America's Next Top Model PMSing this week? There seemed to be an inordinate amount of crying. I'll cut Jael all the slack she wants cuz, well, dead friend and all. That kinda trumps everything and the girl can shed as many tears as she's got.

Brittany, on the other hand, excellent model though she is, needs to dehydrate and stop producing so much fluid from behind her eyes. I'm sure it sucks to get a painful weave that looks awesome. I'm sure it sucks to win the challenge when you feel like puking. I'm sure it sucks to worry about being nude while holding ice cream in your apparently very sensitive hands and then take the best picture of the week. All of these things HARDSHIPS. We feel your pain, girl. But please--and I quote Melissa Manchester whom I believe said it best-- please, "don't cry out loud." For all of our sakes, "just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings."

Now at one point, Whit BROKE IT DOWN for Brit (Don't you like how I broke down those names so they totally rhyme? Sure, Whitney and Brittany rhyme too, but it's just not quite as clever, now is it?). Whit told Brit that where she comes from people cry cuz someone got shot, not cuz their new hairdo was bothersome. However, a mere thirty minutes later during panel, Whitney cried like she had the weight of every plus sized model on her shoulders. Did you see that crazy crying face? I thought she was upset because her fellow plus girl was a bottom feeder, but she cried equally as hard when Cassandra was sent packing.

Of course by then, the entire damn cast was sobbing uncontrollably, hence my original question. Is it PMS week on Top Model or what?

And of course, we could continue this line of questioning and use Renee's ongoing beeyatchedness as further evidence of the lunar cycle. In this week's episode of Hall & Oates presents "Bitch girl" (Yeah, I know the song is "Rich Girl" and the lyric I'm referring to is actually, "it's a bitch girl," but "bitch girl" is technically a direct quote, just out of context. I'm so ready for a job with real media.), Renee is soooo bored by Brittany and will stop at nothing to tear her down, including telling Brittany she needs to get off of her pedestal for not expecting a house full of girls to talk smack about her behind her back. Sure Renee makes a pragmatic point in pointing out that a house full of caddy girls can only result in gossip and back stabbing, but somehow she twisted her own logic and made herself look stupid. Way to go! Brittany came back with the only possibly retort: "I'm still kicking your ass in this competition!" Indeed.

Screwing herself again, Renee noted that in Jael's time of mourning, she "didn't need any fake bitches being her friend," and proceeded to offer no support to Jael whatsoever. So basically, Renee is implying that by abiding by what she just said, she herself is a fake bitch because if she wasn't she should have offered support to Jael. Either that or Renee is admitting to being the most unsupportive bitch around. There's an LSAT logic question in there somewhere.

On to deliberations (makeovers and photo shoots!)!

Brittany: She may be holding ice cream on a prick, but this girl always knows what to do with her face and body. And the painstaking weave looks like it was worth every grueling minute.

Cassandra: The 'fro looked good, but that was pretty much the only thing that did. I'm sure she's a delight to be around, but as Jade said two cycles ago, "this is America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Friend." I am loathe to quote Jade, but she had a point there and it was one of the few sentences she spoke in coherent English.

Diana: Is it just me, or is Diana a dolt? I hate to be mean, but I think I heard her call the non-plus-sized models "straight girls." Seriously. And when she was asked why she was so nervous and uncomfortable with her body she vacantly replied, "oh, I don't know..." You could tell even Tyra was with me on the dolt thing. Tyra replied quite sarcastically, "Some self-reflection then maybe." Diana was just like "oh, okay." Hello! Anybody home, McFly?

Dionne: Lovelovelove the short haircut on her and lovelovelove that during the photo shoot she shouted out, with all of the happiness and sincerity she could muster, "You know what, Jay, I think I'm more comfortable naked!"

Felicia: I'm just gonna say the same thing about her every week. She is nice. She is lovely. She is nice and lovely. And while the dark hair and bangs make her stand out a bit more than she did before, I just don't ever see her as anything more than nice and lovely.

Jael: I'm kinda crushing on Jael right now. As much as I abhor whining and excuse making, the opposite is also true in that I adore maturity and professionalism and all around stepping up when it's necessary. Jael did that and more. Not only did she suffer through an eight hour weave only to have to suffer through having it removed and then totally rocking her crop cut and then kicking ass in her photo, but she dealt with the loss of her friend with a hell of a lot of grace. And in a moment of seriousness, a la Tyra with her enlarged, understanding eyes of sympathy, I do send my condolences to Jael and her friend's family. If you've ever lost anyone close to you, you have to acknowledge it when someone else goes through it, even if they're on a stupid reality show.

Jaslene: Still rocking the photos but can't get it together in person. Surely after Tyra's insightful lesson on culture and ethnicity, Jaslene's Latino spunk will spring to life again.

Natasha: Great pin-up shot until you got to those squinty eyes. What was she doing? The dark hair and bangs are fine cuz she's a beautiful girl, but...waiter, vodka, straight up, please!

Renee: I so dislike Renee that I can't even comment on her picture. If she were a spectacular model I would cut her some slack for being so heinous, but she's at best mediocre so what's the point? Linda Evangelista seems like a raving bitch, but at least she's stunning and an amazing model and doesn't get out of bed for less than $50,000 a minute or some such number that's the equivalent of what I make in year (The actual quote is in the page I linked to. It's far less dramatic that I what I just wrote for her.).

Sarah: Excellent shot and her know-it-all narcissism was pretty in check this week. The dark hair is fine, although I preferred the blond pixie.

Whitney: That skin is to die for, but the face...relax, girl! You're pretty, you're smart--sure you look weird when you burst into hysterical tears, but other than that, you know, go with it!

Until next week, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model!


sianwu said...

G, Just got around to watching this episode since we had to watch the Sunday rerun. Diana is probably really dumb and therefore low-hanging fruit. Jack thought her reference to straight (i.e. skinny) girls was a reference to her and Whit's curviness rather than confusing the term with sexual orientation. But it's a stretch. Oh, I loathe Renee so much, but isn't it odd that we haven't witnessed a critical mass uprising against the bitch? Another bitchy thing she did was when Sarah said of Natasha, "she looks like Kate Moss!" Renee snapped back, "no she doesn't; do you even know who Kate Moss is?" :-O !!! Can't wait to see her bite it this week. Heh heh heh...

gigi said...

And is if Sarah--Miss Model Know it All--wouldn't know who Kate Moss is? I think not since she was the only one who knew Richard Avedon.
Oh, I cannot wait for Renee to bite the big one and BREAK DOWN tomorrow night!!