The Dog Ate My Homework

As long as Jaslene keeps kicking it, I'm gonna keep posting her pics. OR, as long as Jaslene keeps annoying the crap outta Renee, I'm gonna keep posting Jaslene's pics, because hopefully, by the transitive property (which surely, I learned about in high school), I would then be annoying the crap outta Renee, who is annoying the crap outta me.

Those of you who know me know this, and those of you who don’t, I suggest taking note: there is very little that irritates, aggravates, and infuriates me MORE than EXCUSES. So after tonight’s episode, I need to get something out of my system..

AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Obviously, that had Renee’s name all over it.

If you will permit me, a tale: once upon a time, I worked at an advertising agency. One day, in this fair agency, I purchased an ad in The New York Times Book Review. Several days later, it had come to light that while I had bought the ad space, actually having the ad produced had completely slipped my mind. Now, bear in mind that it was 1994—slow computers, no internet, no email, and no digital images. At this point, we still marveled at the thermal paper fax machine. With the deadline mere hours away, the non-existent ad had to be designed, sent to a printer, produced on velox paper, and messengered over to the Times. Before the chaos of emergency ad production began, my boss looked at me from behind her enormous wooden desk and inquired as to why I had failed to create a work order and pass it on to a designer. “There is no reason,” I replied, “I forgot and I apologize.”

Come to think of it, a similar thing happened at work today, thirteen years later, when a sales rep called me on behalf of a bookstore who had not received an order placed a month ago. Turns out, I never forwarded the email order on to anyone. Just sent it right to my trash. Oops. I said the same thing to the rep that I had said to my former boss, “I forgot and I apologize.”

So clearly, this points to either my admirable integrity or my horrendous memory. On the other hand, I can tell you who played the ad agency boss on Bosom Buddies (Holland Taylor, thank you very much—and no, I didn’t just look that up. My friend once tried to stump me on TV knowledge with that one and she’s never gotten over the shock of realizing that I carry this information around with me all the time.), so perhaps this merely indicates my lack of interest in my day jobs.

In any event, I’m sure by now, you see what I’m driving at. I HATE EXCUSES. Needless to say, I hated Jade from cycle six, a terrific excuse maker, but she barely lived on the same planet as the rest of us, so at least there was entertainment value. Renee, on the other hand, is causing me to hyperventilate and there is potential for loss of consciousness should I have to hear her whine one more excuse for why she might have done badly during her class clown photo shoot.

I repeat: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
“Wah—I wanna be the ho!” No comment.
“Wah—Jaslene always gets the good things!” Oh yes, always, since there’s only been one other photo shoot.
“Wah—I was the only girl out of her element!” Because I’m sure Jaslene was totally alternative in high school.

I’m so riled up, I can’t even talk about anything else that happened in the episode. Oh but I will say (Who am I kidding? When can I never think of anything to talk about?) that I thought the walking wasn’t too bad, on the whole, but for the LOVE OF GOD…choreography, people!! It wasn’t that hard.

On to deliberations!

Brittany: She rocks it again! Challenge winner and class valedictorian on many levels. She could be the silent killer. She doesn’t stir up much controversy or draw much attention, but she’ll end up being one of the last two standing without anyone having ever noticed…

Cassandra: Eh. Low hanging fruit. She’ll be one of the earlier ones to go. How could you possibly make cheerleading look that boring?

Diana: Lovely face, good pose, a touch of the dead eye though (for those of you who remember my favorite Tyra lesson from the first cycle: “live eye v. dead eye.”)

Dionne: She barely said a word this episode (what, no jalapeño peppers?) but her bad girl pose said it all.

Felicia: Quite nice. Again.

Tyra: I have to pause from our regularly scheduled deliberations and talk about Tyra for a second. Is she on prozac this cycle? Aside from the oddness of her wearing a head scarf for the second time, she’s so subdued. Her monologue regarding Felicia’s not looking like her (yes Tyra, we know it’s all about you) was fairly engaging and humorous. And even her pretending to stab Nigel in the back, which usually would have come off as nothing but embarrassing was utterly tolerable. And with her newfound restraint, I’m finding that I’m riveted to her modeling advice. Without the din of her self-importance as a distraction it’s far more interesting and instructive. How refreshing!

Jael: I gotta give props to Jael. She absolutely nailed her photo. However, if she acts shocked whenever someone compliments her work one more time, I’m going to kick her self-deprecating ass. There’s a difference between humility and a grating lack of self-confidence. Perhaps Jael can figure out the difference in one of those books.

Jaslene: Okay, so she was abysmal on the runway, but the photo, my god the photo. Spectacular, especially since, contrary to Renee’s belief, I’m quite certain Jaslene was not in her element as the weird girl.

Natasha: Where’s the vodka I told you I was going to drink large amounts of as a result of Natasha’s driving me insane? Please don’t ever let her read the Tyra Mail again, and please, send her home. Preferably not via mail order…

Renee: I’ve probably said enough already, but let’s point out how her photo was more or less fine after all of her pissing and moaning. Even more reason for her to SHUT UP.

Samantha: Still stunning, but you kinda knew she was a goner the minute she uttered the words, “I’m never gonna forget who I am.” That doesn’t ever bode well. At least we also got to hear her say, “I’m a lesbian! No, I’m a ho!” Good stuff.

Sarah: There’s just something about her—even her conversing with the make-up artist about eye shadow was irritating. She’s evidently watched one too many cycles and thought it wise to attempt to work product into her conversation. Save it for My Life as a Cover Girl, which I’m quite certain she’ll never have the opportunity to do (btw—Caridee is excellent in those ridiculous ads!). The photo was coy enough, but there was something pedestrian about her interpretation of flirting.

Herbal Essences: Speaking of corporate sponsors and massive product placement, let’s welcome Clairol’s Herbal Essences to the show! Bottle colors looked good and they seemed to make good use of their coloring, angles, and lighting, but I’d like to see a little more emotion from them next time.

Whitney: Some times the smart girls can’t quite cut it cuz there’s too much going on in their minds and not enough happening in their faces and with their bodies. There’s still potential though.

Next week is episode #3 and we all know what that means, don’t we?! Haircuts and tears galore! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Until then, you are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model!